Daddy saw and has me by the hand….

     The last three years have taken their toll on us as a family, on us as a couple and on me as a person. My mother who was in her 80’s fell and broke an ankle requiring surgery. She was unable to rehab adequately to return to her apartment and had to enter a home. She had repeatedly told me she wanted to die in her apartment.  That would not happen. I could not manage her at my home. It was not set up for someone handicapped. She spent many days in and out of the hospital. I would stay as I was able. I was homeschooling a grandchild and had to quit work. That cut us out of a great deal of income. At the same time this was going on, my sister who was schizophrenic moved in with me. She went in for elective hernia surgery. When they opened her up, they found non-Hodgkin lymphoma. She was just coming up on her 5year mark for being free from colon cancer recurrence. I was getting her to chem, checking on mom, etc. there were times when my mom was in one hospital and my sister at the other. I didn’t know how to balance everything out. I always felt like I could not get it right. My husband would get angry at the time I was away from home and some  days I envisioned him as the 5 year old stomping his feet and clamoring ” but what about me!”
     I cannot tell you the times I slept sitting up at the bedside with my head on a bedside table. He didn’t see that part…he was home…in our bed….asleep. This set us up for bad behavior on his part. That will be the next several posts. I have not been well and continue to struggle physically, mentally and spiritually. Prayers are appreciated!
     Until next time…..best wishes and kind thoughts…

     

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Dancing with the Anger…..

I am so  tired. These feelings drain the life out of me. I wish I could go back. It would be to the time before your first girlfriend while still married to me. You were the  Father of two young babies and  should have considered their welfare and happiness. You should have seen the sacrifices made by their mother.  There was a time When I truly believed that I helped make your world a better place. I miss that naïve loving doting wife who gave of herself freely in time and talent. I gave so much. And I looked with hope toward our future as a couple and as a family. I want some of her trust back. I will never have that. You took it from me. I long for a life which has died. You forever changed it. It evolved into something different; something in which bitter   always tempered what  little sweet we could glean. I hate the person it caused me to become. The doubt entered in and closed the door behind it. Forever I would be marred by the scars you left.

            I hope they were worth the death of a relationship. That is what it caused. I will never be able to blindly trust anything that comes from your mouth. I will always question what thoughts are behind what you are saying and what you are not. I will always question why you don’t make love to me or why you can’t finish with me.  Had you not introduced and interjected those other women into our marriage ( and that is what you did) You brought them into our bedroom, into our afternoons on the couch into our road trips and at the dinner table. You wove them into what is now the fabric of our marital relationship. And s if  to add insult to injury, the pornography is rubbed into the wound for good measure.. I do not care for your tapestry. It is sordid. It is sad. It has made me bitter and angry. I do not like me anymore. Thank you.

            I question in my mind what hidden accounts you have. What you might have out in the wings, now for when things start to go awry again. You have proven that I can be replaced and you have the wherewithal to do it. You are quite capable of doing it. Here is the other thing you have introduced into our relationship: My entertaining the possibility of being replaced. Considering the possibilities of life without you. These are very real forays into the world of possibilities, now. I find myself thinking in terms of self-preservation for the inevitable: I need to set up accounts, I need to preserve my credit, I need to tweek resumes and look at the financials very closely. You get wind of these thoughts and you will fly into your self-righteous rage and tell me ,”if you are so miserable then lets be done with it.”  They have won. They have you. They aren’t physically in our home, yet they wield so much power. I am so damn mad and I can’t tell you how mad I truly am. I have been silenced by your actions; your actively seeking others to fill the apparent void I left you with.

            I feel like the little field mouse scurrying about trying to glean whatever they can to survive. Taking a crumb of hope here, a little bit of a normal day there and stashing them away. Holding that little bit close to my heart .for when the days happen when the anger comes rushing in and I want to rage out against what you have done to me. What your choices have cost me as a person. What dignity has been robbed from me. What hope has been wrenched away.  I wonder if you know how much I grieve the passing of that girl who first married you?  She is forever lost: a casualty to your heartless forays.

Aside

My son  left this morning. I am in so much pain. I could see his pain. He had the presence of mind to see that he needed to do something effective. We were not the solution. I still hurt. He sleeps and eats at the kindness of strangers. They are helping him to mold his future. Why not his father and I ?

Dear God, watch over my child and keep him safe. Help him to find a sense of  order and ability to navigate in this world. Give him a sense of peace and please let him sense that he is truly loved. Keep him in your loving hands and keep care over his tender heart.

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Reflections…

Reflections...

This is a new venture for me. Placing thoughts and feelings in a place where I can come back to and reflect. Reflection is a good thing. With it, there is the possiblity of growth, renewal and healing.