Dancing with the Anger…..

I am so  tired. These feelings drain the life out of me. I wish I could go back. It would be to the time before your first girlfriend while still married to me. You were the  Father of two young babies and  should have considered their welfare and happiness. You should have seen the sacrifices made by their mother.  There was a time When I truly believed that I helped make your world a better place. I miss that naïve loving doting wife who gave of herself freely in time and talent. I gave so much. And I looked with hope toward our future as a couple and as a family. I want some of her trust back. I will never have that. You took it from me. I long for a life which has died. You forever changed it. It evolved into something different; something in which bitter   always tempered what  little sweet we could glean. I hate the person it caused me to become. The doubt entered in and closed the door behind it. Forever I would be marred by the scars you left.

            I hope they were worth the death of a relationship. That is what it caused. I will never be able to blindly trust anything that comes from your mouth. I will always question what thoughts are behind what you are saying and what you are not. I will always question why you don’t make love to me or why you can’t finish with me.  Had you not introduced and interjected those other women into our marriage ( and that is what you did) You brought them into our bedroom, into our afternoons on the couch into our road trips and at the dinner table. You wove them into what is now the fabric of our marital relationship. And s if  to add insult to injury, the pornography is rubbed into the wound for good measure.. I do not care for your tapestry. It is sordid. It is sad. It has made me bitter and angry. I do not like me anymore. Thank you.

            I question in my mind what hidden accounts you have. What you might have out in the wings, now for when things start to go awry again. You have proven that I can be replaced and you have the wherewithal to do it. You are quite capable of doing it. Here is the other thing you have introduced into our relationship: My entertaining the possibility of being replaced. Considering the possibilities of life without you. These are very real forays into the world of possibilities, now. I find myself thinking in terms of self-preservation for the inevitable: I need to set up accounts, I need to preserve my credit, I need to tweek resumes and look at the financials very closely. You get wind of these thoughts and you will fly into your self-righteous rage and tell me ,”if you are so miserable then lets be done with it.”  They have won. They have you. They aren’t physically in our home, yet they wield so much power. I am so damn mad and I can’t tell you how mad I truly am. I have been silenced by your actions; your actively seeking others to fill the apparent void I left you with.

            I feel like the little field mouse scurrying about trying to glean whatever they can to survive. Taking a crumb of hope here, a little bit of a normal day there and stashing them away. Holding that little bit close to my heart .for when the days happen when the anger comes rushing in and I want to rage out against what you have done to me. What your choices have cost me as a person. What dignity has been robbed from me. What hope has been wrenched away.  I wonder if you know how much I grieve the passing of that girl who first married you?  She is forever lost: a casualty to your heartless forays.

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15 comments

  1. Are you ready to stop being a victim? It has been 9 months since this post and I hope you have rejected the victim mentality. You are wounded, but not broken. You have been in a natural grieving process which depressed you, but God will provide a way out if you ask, wait and watch. You can overcome this.

  2. You asked about other accounts.. Run a credit check.. you will probably know all the answers the credit site will ask.. Their free.. the top three creditors.. I did.. secretly.. It gave me a little peace knowing he hadnt attempted to buy a house or apt with her.. Just be prepared if you find more out..

  3. Ok this is my third attempt at this….. run a credit check.. you can do it secretly if you know all the answers.. most addresses can be googled if you know place names.. anyways.. good luck

  4. The most bitter poison in the world is suppressed feelings, but it takes courage to walk into the eye of the storm and face them. I’m glad you’re talking about how you feel.

  5. This journey is so challenging and unpredictable.
    You can love and trust again…. Just not him. But now, you must love and trust yourself. Nourish your soul with positive affirmations every day…often. Feed you heart the love it’s lost. Mend your mind by meditating, reading, and of course blogging.
    This storm is fierce.
    But so are you….even if you don’t feel it.

    Btw
    Never call yourself a field mouse again.
    You are not prey. You are not a victim.
    Rise strong.

  6. I agree with all the comments provided to you above. You are a good person. You loved, you trusted. That is what trustworthy people do! They take risks, they open up, they are vulnerable, and that is a strength!

    You will no longer be naive and it will take you a while to trust again. That is part of the deal. It is unfair, but that acknowledgment will not help you. Many things are unfair.

    You are not alone. Many people who loved and trusted were betrayed. They are wiser and not always so positive, and often not happy…but life goes on and so will you!

    xxx

    Elisabeth

    • I have had a rough 2017. The doctors found a growth in my brain which was benign. I have had three surgeries on my brain. It has taken a good bit out of me. I am hoping to get back and reflect on my journey up to this point. Please remember me in your prayers….

      • Oh my, I most certainly will remember you in prayers. My grandchildren’s other paternal-grandmother just spent the summer having her brain/scalp tumor operated on two times. Right now she has a big hole in her head and is trying to recover. She can’t drive, can’t do anything really but rest and keep her head still. They had to graph skin from her thigh. Her tumor was cancerous but they believe they got all the cancer. It’s been a nightmare for her personally and for me too, since she was a vital part of my support system. So, I wish you well, and strength through this time.

  7. I thoroughly understand all these feelings. I was married for 39 years and totally blind-sided by the only man I loved and trusted. After several years, I’m doing better, not healed, but better. The wonderful thing is, I had quite a miracle, and the three horrendous dates on the calendar were replaced with blessings. You should read this. Perhaps you will have a little miracle of your own. I kept my faith in God and was rewarded.

    Tuesday:) Testimony and the Trilogy 7/11, 8/23, 12/5 https://toniandrukaitis.wordpress.com/2017/07/12/tuesday-testimony-and-the-trilogy-711-823-125/ via @toniandrukaitis

    • Bless you for your response! That realization on your part is an important step in the right direction. I wish you well. Unfortunately my husband has not and became involved yet. Again with another woman. This year has been a bad one for me… I have had to have 3 brain surgeries and surely did not need him pulling this. I will pray for you and the healing of your relationship.

  8. Oh Smitten. My heart was entwined with every word you so beautifully wrote.
    But what a brave woman you are. Your journey is yours alone, dear one, and as it unfolds, I pray for you to seek the next, right step illuminated by the knowledge you are Loved by Him, despite being forsaken by him. Such big hugs, from me to you. xo


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