Beautiful post! Your feelings resonated in my heart and I know that I, too, have to nurture that 5 year old little girl who lost her father. He was my love. Mom did what she could to get by with three children. She was angry for the longest time and we lived walking on eggshells. It has taken most of my adult life to be able to see it from her perspective. Unfortunately, she died before we could reconcile. I truly don’t know if it would have been possible. I struggle, too with love of self and a healthy sense of self worth. I have dearly enjoyed your posts and feel as if I have found a kindred spirit. Hugs and best wishes for you.

A letter to his former affair partner…the higher road

To the former affair partner of my husband:

I write these lines to you for your benefit, not mine. I am processing that which transpired between my husband and yourself. I reflect upon circumstances such as they were and will iterate how flawed your behaviors and thoughts were. In the end, you are both forgiven and I will press forward with my marriage and my life. I will not give away my dignity and hold onto vile bitterness. That only serves to shore up what the two of you sought out to do.

You don’t have my husband, you never really did, and you never will. Actions taken on both your parts were a reflection of what was very, very wrong within each of you. The behaviors engaged in by the both of you showed a deep sense of loss of self worth and insecurity on both your parts. Phone sex, sexting, genital shots, inappropriate conversations and playing house at your house demonstrated the fact that the both of you refused to acknowledge that you were created for much, much better. Each of you demonstrated a lack of consideration for those who would be hurt. Each of you have let yourselves down. That basal level upon which you attempted to establish your relationship was fundamentally flawed and would not have sustained you. It would have resulted in divorce number…I truly do not know for you, (mistress). You frankly deserve better. My husband deserved a genuine therapeutic relationship, not the contrived, sex-driven focus the two of you established. This was a massive fail on your part, mistress. You tipped your hand and your inherent selfishness became apparent.

The two of you showed no respect for boundaries or a sense of what is appropriate. He was in a covenental relationship with me, not you. You had no right to pursue him.and, after having so many years as his therapist, you knew what buttons to push, what mantras to spew and where his weaknesses were to pursue your agenda. He had the option to walk away and desired not to until he was caught by me and things were made clear. You played him. You played me.

It hurt me initially, the realization of how you were allegedly counseling us maritally, yet you saw fit to pursue your self-serving agenda at great cost to he and I. Fortunately, your flaws became apparent and my husband was starting to pull away from your relationship. The person reflected in the counseling office executed an “about face” and truly showed her insecurities, weaknesses and self-serving purpose.

The relationship between my husband and you was a reflection of pure unadulterated selfishness. You violated a sacred trust and it was tainted from the start. I don’t believe either of you were “at peace” with what you were doing. No matter how you spin it or try to box it away or compartmentalize the actions, they were wrong and I take great offense to your behavior. Your having phone sex and exchanging videos while he was on the road and playing “house” at your house reflected the desperation of you both. Your having sex with him on your magnificent sofa in your counseling office exemplified just how far the two of you had allowed your dignity to devolve. You travelled a road of compromise and it led to self-destruction and misery. The two of you are deserving of an existence which holds better than that.

You provided a glimpse early on of the desperation your heart held. I was angered when my husband shared it with me: you had unprotected sex with him in the office and didn’t bother to tell him until you had finished that you had genital herpes. There is no cure. You were willing to endanger his welfare and mine. Your failed attempt to establish a relationship with him was based on lies and deceit. Those would have been the cornerstones of your love. It would not have lasted as a healthy relationship. That was the demise of your relationship. You continued the legacy of his abusive father and served to reinforce his trepidation with the mental health system. Thank you.

I am grateful to you for what I have learned walking with my already heavy cross and the burden the two of you had thrust upon my shoulders, as well. You are operating from a place of darkness; no appreciation for doing what is appropriate and not taking the well-being of others into consideration. You will note that there are no derogatory terms in reference to you in the form of name calling. I am aware of my dignity as a person. That which I had shared with you in my individual counseling sessions-my fear of abandonment was real and you attempted to take him, knowing this.

The sex in the morning (noon and night, for that matter) is mine, not yours…it never was, and never will be.

Cooking breakfast together…that’s mine, too.

That second seat on the bike was never intended for you.. it is MINE.

He plays house in our house (thank you very much) and there is no need for you or yours…

The phone calls, the texts, the messaging, the I love your, the hand holding, the butt grabbing— these are mine, as well.

You have NO claim to anything here!

Because of your regrettable behavior, I have realized from the beginning, that everything I need must come from within me. I do not need to lean on external kudos. My feet are well grounded on who I am as a person, I refuse to deal in lies and deceit. I have that fundamental goodness and grace within me which dictates my value as a child of God– find this. I am stronger than I had ever imagined. I have lost who I am thanks to medicine and your bad behavior, but I am a much stronger, resilient person (that is MORE attractive to my husband). You lost that when you divulged your true nature: insecurity. I bore the burden your choices thrust upon me and am stronger for it…thanks. I am releasing the burdens you and he have compelled me to carry. You both own that sordid mess of a load and the two of you, each on their own have to address it. I am grateful for the release. I am sorry for your burdens. I do not have to seek the opinions of others. I had valued yours, at one time. I now know that nothing of this world is a given, thank you for that lesson.

I am the artist constructing that beauty which is in me. You might consider an art class and do the same. I have gotten quite adept at taking things which are cracked or flawed and reworking them into a desirable creation. The havoc you attempted to create has no purpose or power, now. Find your inner beauty. I do not have to chase after love, affection or attention. It needs to be given freely, not manipulated or contrived. You might want to consider that for yourself. Find your inherent good and capitalize on that. If you have to put that much effort into such a compromising relationship and keeping someone, they were never really yours in the first place. Find your person, HE never was.

I have learned to love myself. All those flaws and cracks which are apparent from pain, when you shine a light from behind them in a dark world, the unique beauty is made apparent and shines through. FIND YOURS. If you no longer appreciate where you are in life, move on. I braved a 6 mile hike through the Tennessee hills with a cane. Starting out, I wasn’t sure I could make it. But, as I trod along, my sense of what I am capable of became apparent. Walking with a dear friend who was aware of my burdens, helped shore me up for the journey. I finished my walk all the stronger for it. FIND your someone…it’s NOT him.

What you have gone and done in my life was a gift whether you realize it or not. Your response to my “Why?” Was a matter of factly “you were out of town.” It reflected how dark the existence of infidelity in one’s life can be. I empathize with that deep hollow feeling. You deserve to have it filled in the RIGHT way with the RIGHT things. What the two of you were doing would have left you both empty and up satisfied.

Your relationship with my husband proved shallow and contrived. Do not fear the depths, there is so much more to relationships than that. Dare to swim in the deep But, NOT with one who is covenentally bound to another. My silence to this point has served me well. This could have been filled with colorful descriptive expletives. That would have served me no good. I am capable of much, much better and it would not have been befitting of my inherent dignity. You have NO power here. I swing my cane and call out to you, “Begone out of my thoughts, my concerns, my fears and my life!”

Then changes in your life will present you with many opportunities. Reach for, and embrace them BUT hurt no one in the process! People deserve empathy and respect and consideration, not to be disregarded and devalued. It is not my job to make everyone happy. No. I am not the perfect wife, but I have my pen in hand and am prepared to write the fulfilling end to our story– his and mine. In it you have no part and no ending credits. Pick up a pen and WRITE YOUR OWN.

Maya Angelou said, “when we look at each other we must say, I understand. I understand how you feel because I have been there myself. We must support each other and empathize with each other because each of us is more alike than we are unalike.” I do NOT and will NEVER condone infidelity. I do understand that deep longing for human companionship. For it to fill your soul, it needs to be pursued in a way which was divinely inspired. You will find peace and respite there. It will not be in the place and in the way in which the two of you sought it.

I see your light in spite of the dark place which you embraced and lingered in with my husband. There is an inherent goodness in you both. Grasp onto that and walk into the lighter, more fulfilling existence.

I have slayed dragons thanks to your indisgressions. They can be overcome. The ancient mariners would mark the ends of the known world with the phrase,”heere be dragons” out of fear of the unknown on their maps. I used to be the one on the shore dreading the inevitable dragon. Now I stand, cane in hand, and declare,” Bring it you son of a bitch. I have something here waiting for you and I am a force to be reckoned with! You have no power in my life. You hold no promise for him!”

Walk your walk, mistress. Know that it will never involve me or mine. Find your sense of self worth and do some GOOD for someone….

Me

Daddy saw and has me by the hand….

     The last three years have taken their toll on us as a family, on us as a couple and on me as a person. My mother who was in her 80’s fell and broke an ankle requiring surgery. She was unable to rehab adequately to return to her apartment and had to enter a home. She had repeatedly told me she wanted to die in her apartment.  That would not happen. I could not manage her at my home. It was not set up for someone handicapped. She spent many days in and out of the hospital. I would stay as I was able. I was homeschooling a grandchild and had to quit work. That cut us out of a great deal of income. At the same time this was going on, my sister who was schizophrenic moved in with me. She went in for elective hernia surgery. When they opened her up, they found non-Hodgkin lymphoma. She was just coming up on her 5year mark for being free from colon cancer recurrence. I was getting her to chem, checking on mom, etc. there were times when my mom was in one hospital and my sister at the other. I didn’t know how to balance everything out. I always felt like I could not get it right. My husband would get angry at the time I was away from home and some  days I envisioned him as the 5 year old stomping his feet and clamoring ” but what about me!”
     I cannot tell you the times I slept sitting up at the bedside with my head on a bedside table. He didn’t see that part…he was home…in our bed….asleep. This set us up for bad behavior on his part. That will be the next several posts. I have not been well and continue to struggle physically, mentally and spiritually. Prayers are appreciated!
     Until next time…..best wishes and kind thoughts…

     

A Beautiful door was opened, a precious gift received…..

I must share how God has touched my life……

Dancing with the Anger…..

I am so  tired. These feelings drain the life out of me. I wish I could go back. It would be to the time before your first girlfriend while still married to me. You were the  Father of two young babies and  should have considered their welfare and happiness. You should have seen the sacrifices made by their mother.  There was a time When I truly believed that I helped make your world a better place. I miss that naïve loving doting wife who gave of herself freely in time and talent. I gave so much. And I looked with hope toward our future as a couple and as a family. I want some of her trust back. I will never have that. You took it from me. I long for a life which has died. You forever changed it. It evolved into something different; something in which bitter   always tempered what  little sweet we could glean. I hate the person it caused me to become. The doubt entered in and closed the door behind it. Forever I would be marred by the scars you left.

            I hope they were worth the death of a relationship. That is what it caused. I will never be able to blindly trust anything that comes from your mouth. I will always question what thoughts are behind what you are saying and what you are not. I will always question why you don’t make love to me or why you can’t finish with me.  Had you not introduced and interjected those other women into our marriage ( and that is what you did) You brought them into our bedroom, into our afternoons on the couch into our road trips and at the dinner table. You wove them into what is now the fabric of our marital relationship. And s if  to add insult to injury, the pornography is rubbed into the wound for good measure.. I do not care for your tapestry. It is sordid. It is sad. It has made me bitter and angry. I do not like me anymore. Thank you.

            I question in my mind what hidden accounts you have. What you might have out in the wings, now for when things start to go awry again. You have proven that I can be replaced and you have the wherewithal to do it. You are quite capable of doing it. Here is the other thing you have introduced into our relationship: My entertaining the possibility of being replaced. Considering the possibilities of life without you. These are very real forays into the world of possibilities, now. I find myself thinking in terms of self-preservation for the inevitable: I need to set up accounts, I need to preserve my credit, I need to tweek resumes and look at the financials very closely. You get wind of these thoughts and you will fly into your self-righteous rage and tell me ,”if you are so miserable then lets be done with it.”  They have won. They have you. They aren’t physically in our home, yet they wield so much power. I am so damn mad and I can’t tell you how mad I truly am. I have been silenced by your actions; your actively seeking others to fill the apparent void I left you with.

            I feel like the little field mouse scurrying about trying to glean whatever they can to survive. Taking a crumb of hope here, a little bit of a normal day there and stashing them away. Holding that little bit close to my heart .for when the days happen when the anger comes rushing in and I want to rage out against what you have done to me. What your choices have cost me as a person. What dignity has been robbed from me. What hope has been wrenched away.  I wonder if you know how much I grieve the passing of that girl who first married you?  She is forever lost: a casualty to your heartless forays.

My son  left this morning. I am in so much pain. I could see his pain. He had the presence of mind to see that he needed to do something effective. We were not the solution. I still hurt. He sleeps and eats at the kindness of strangers. They are helping him to mold his future. Why not his father and I ?

Dear God, watch over my child and keep him safe. Help him to find a sense of  order and ability to navigate in this world. Give him a sense of peace and please let him sense that he is truly loved. Keep him in your loving hands and keep care over his tender heart.

∞

Reflections…

This is a new venture for me. Placing thoughts and feelings in a place where I can come back to and reflect. Reflection is a good thing. With it, there is the possiblity of growth, renewal and healing.